trust

March 30, 2008 at 2:56 pm (thoughts)

A simple yet complicated word. Lately I’ve been giving enough thought to this matter. I’m happy that I was able to gain trust from people whom I just knew in a short span of time.  Maybe my innate introvert persona and the listener in me made people feel that they can trust me with their well kept thoughts and feelings, which in one way or another made me glad and honored. But in some way, it has given me another perspective of responsibility, since they expect that I’ll never go telling other people what they shared with me and it also made me feel that I’m in a position where I should share my thoughts as well with whatever they shared and basically to give good advices which in some way will heighten their spirits.

There comes a certain point that I still have to analyze myself, people will come up to me telling me they feel comfortable sharing things with me and that they do trust me, it made me think that am I making an effort just to make them trust me or it’s simply natural of me, I’m quite conscious that what if they think I’m playing a role, I’m just worried to find myself in boiling water, having gained their trust, all I intend is to prove my authenticity, that I’ll forever be genuine towards them and that whatever they shared are well kept and treasured.

That’s just one facet of my confusion, another is, how come people find me easy to trust but I find it difficult to trust people. I swear in the entirety of my life, I only have utmost trust to 3 people and that includes my mom and two of my very good friends (anie and mai). I don’t know why I find it difficult, I always find myself in doubt, or I have this mindset that I don’t need to share or there’s no need for people to know or they would not give a damn or they may just find me funny or stupid, and they will be laughing behind my back. My thought is that I’ve known very lovely and genuine people, those who made me feel special and well loved yet there is always a barrier that hinders me to open up and to share. I have to admit that it’s quite a burden to hold everything inside, sharing could be an avenue of relief but still I can’t.

Am I making sense, am I making a simple matter too complicated? I really don’t know I simply want to learn, to trust and to give; to at least reciprocate what people has given me. I want to be free from doubts, from anxieties, to be unleashed from this paranoia. How will I learn, I have yet to find out.

 

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past

March 30, 2008 at 2:46 pm (about me)

made this poem a couple of years ago, out of the blue, the words seem to spill and fell into one reflecting piece….

Behind the smile
Behind the laughter
A tearful soul
Is silently lingering

Despite the pain
Despite the hurting
I ardently aflame
Resiliently I stand

In the comfort of solitude
In the midst of isolation
Quietly I wonder
Revenge might be the answer

Anger overpowers me
Avenge desires me
But what am I to do
I can’t hurt anybody

The past will always be remembered
With a leap of faith, I’ll move forward
The pain will always remain,
Life must go on; I’ll have it in my own way.

 

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my thoughts, my feelings….my life

March 30, 2008 at 1:59 am (about me)

simply me

Just a simple lady here, who values isolation and solitude, I love silence…

I’m a person of few words, but when i speak out, I see to it that I deliver substance…

I love to write, it’s my avenue to tell, to scream when I’m angry, to ask when in doubt, to share, simply, it’s my channel of being me…

I’m a dreamer, a steadfast one…

i’m a tough soul, i don’t cry for the sake of crying, i stand and i fight…

I love my imperfect life, with all my imperfections, i strive for what is ideal…

There’s a lot in me…that only genuine people can see…

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